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I'll be adding the newest ones at the top, so if you're back to see what's new you won't have to scan through all of them just to see... So far they're all pretty clean, not that I don't like adult humor, it's just that there is a chance that kids could find this page.. and, well, kids will be learning stuff soon enough, right?
In crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
At age 4 . . . .success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 . . . success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 . . . success is . . . having money.
At age 50 . . . success is . . . having money.
At age 60 . . . success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 . . . success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants
A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the "exact" words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A man piloting a hot-air balloon discovers he has wandered far off course and is hopelessly lost. He descends to a lower altitude and locates a man down on the ground. He lowers the balloon to within hearing distance and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, about thirty feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.
"Yes, I do," replies the man. "And how did you know that?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "what you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect my immediate help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault!"
SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK
1. CURL UP AND DIE:
2. PAD PLEASE:
3. HO, HO, HO:
4. LADY GOLFER:
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU:
7. MOM'S ADVICE:
Do it yourself...
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried and said, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the mailman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.
Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy.
I feel better already....
A Very Helpful Marriage Counselor
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?"
In a rather uppity up, matter of fact tone, the salesman replies, "Madam, this is one of our finest and most expensive rugs. If you farted just by touching it, I quite imagine you will probably shit when I tell you the price.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight in the front hall, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
"Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Her: Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"!
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you .."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
Rules Men Live By
These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
Driving to work this morning on the Interstate, I looked over in the left lane and there was a woman driving 70 miles an hour in a Mustang, with her face up in the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds, when I looked back she was half way over in my
lane, still putting on that dang makeup. It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the
donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the
car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone from my ear, it fell into the coffee between my legs and
"DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS"!!!!!
Getting Old Can Be Confusing
Aunt Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said that the heart would be just below the left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot to her knee.
The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising slogans."
Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a "Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
Be nice to your nurse !!
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable.....
businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if
they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a daffodil."
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed"
and Suzuki said, "Osama Bin Laden to The Taliban!" 2002.
Date rape drug targeting males
Police warn all college students, clubbers,
party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a
drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many
females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and
is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering
it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an
open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys. For the
Language is relative?
After years of pleading, the rich oil matron finally talked her good ole' boy husband into going with her to church... Surprisingly enough, he was truly moved by the minister's sermon. On the way out, he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
"Buddy, you preached the bes' damn sermon ever!"
The pastor replied, "Oh! Thank you, sir, but please: we don't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry, preacher, but I jes' cain't help myself. That was one damn good sermon!"
"Please, sir! I cannot allow you to behave this way in the Lord's house!"
"Okay, Rev, but I jes' wanna say that I thought it was so damned good I put a check for five thousand dollars in that there collection plate!"
a story about four people named
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a blood-curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Just a Rumor?
It was rumored that one particular user in a company I used to work for, believed we could see her through the laptop's screen. In fact, it was once said that the user went so far as to power down her laptop and close the cover while she was dressing. Anyway, she called one day about a problem she was having trying to get her modem to work. She was very pleasant and I walked her through a couple of quick fixes. She was in the process of rebooting and I casually remarked, "By the way, nice sweater." She went ballistic. "I knew you could see me!" she screamed and hung up.
Well, she must have called her boss, who, in turn, called his boss, who called his boss, who called my boss's boss and 30 minutes later, I was asked to step into the office of the head of sales and explain why I was looking at users through their laptop screens. My immediate supervisor went with me, and could hardly contain her laughter when she heard the complaint. It took us 20 minutes to convince the head of my department that there was no way that we could see our sales staff and I'm still not sure he believed us.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....
Your sweetie says, "Let's go
upstairs and make love,"
A sexy babe catches your
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your
You are cautioned to slow
down by the doctor
"Getting a little action"
Sven and Ole
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher: I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up
panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him
$300 a week unemployment pay.
fitters was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
The clerk explained
that panty stitchers were unskilled
skill?" yelled Ole.
THE "PERKS" OF BEING OVER 40
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
This next one is long.. but it's worth the reading!
should not be snacking or dining... or drinking milk
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